Kids with high emotional intelligence use these 6 phrases: Therapist

A parent’s job isn’t to shield their child from life’s challenges, but to guide them through — offering support and tools to help them thrive in tough times. 

As a child life specialist and therapist, I’ve worked with thousands of children and families facing illness, trauma, grief, and loss. I’ve observed the words and actions that reveal a child is learning to cope effectively with life’s inevitable difficulties.

It isn’t about staying calm or avoiding tears. It’s about using strategies and skills to manage, tolerate, and reduce stress when it arises. That’s why children who cope well tend to have high emotional intelligence. They’re good at identifying their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.

Listen up for these six things you might hear kids with high emotional intelligence say:

Children with high emotional intelligence likely have trusted adults who’ve taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay. 

They know it’s natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or concerned in response to tough situations. By the same token, they’ve learned that it’s okay to have happy, joyful, or playful moments even during hard times. 

Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs — rapid thoughts, a fast heartbeat, tense muscles, or a knot in their stomach — and feel comfortable asking for what they need.

They might head to their “coping corner” to give themselves the time and space to use their pre-planned tools. For example, they might pick up a pinwheel or blow bubbles to help them with deep breathing. 

They likely learned these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.

Emotionally intelligent children can recognize emotions in others, too. They understand that both adults and kids can have big feelings during difficult times, and that everyone copes differently. 

They might be the first to recognize that when their friend is upset, they may need space or a hug and that either is okay.

Empathy toward others comes naturally for them and they demonstrate ease and comfort listening to another’s perspective, respecting their needs, and working together. 

They understand that even when their parent is emotional, they can still be loved, cared for, and safe.

Children who’ve practiced setting boundaries for how they’d like to be treated tend to have high emotional intelligence. They can effectively communicate their needs, wants, and feelings while being sensitive to the other person. 

They might say, “I don’t like when you use my things without asking,” or, “I don’t like not knowing what to expect.” Or you might hear other statements that start with:

• “I’m not okay with…”
• “I don’t want to talk about…”
• “I don’t think it’s nice/funny when…” 

They’re also thoughtful about respecting their peers’ and siblings’ needs.

This phrase indicates that a child is self-reflective and free from shame. Instead of being fearful of making or admitting to mistakes, they’re able to talk about it and problem-solve to improve the situation or circumstance. 

They also recognize what they could have done better or differently because they know that mistakes are how we grow, learn, and develop through challenges.

Confidence and creativity in problem-solving are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Kids who’ve faced difficult situations have learned to work together with their peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or paths forward.

They feel confident expressing their opinions, ideas, and qualities, while also listening and learning from others.

When kids navigate obstacles and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and flexibility while also cultivating emotional awareness and self-esteem.

If your kids aren’t saying these things yet, don’t worry. Emotional intelligence and coping skills take time to develop and often begin with parenting.

Simply start by saying these things yourself. Kids learn best from what’s modeled for them.

Kelsey Mora is Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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