Keir Starmer: Good afternoon, your most serene Excellency.
Donald Trump: Who is this?
Starmer: It’s Keir Starmer. Prime minister of the United Kingdom.
Trump: Where’s that?
Starmer: It’s …
Trump: Just kidding. I know exactly where you are. You’re that island near Europe. Good to speak to you, Ken. Thanks for calling.
Starmer: It’s nice to have a chance to speak to you, Mr President. First, may I congratulate you on your inauguration. I was very sorry I could not be there in person.
Trump: That’s because you weren’t invited.
Starmer: But I’m sure I was busy anyway. And I was thrilled to see that Nigel Farage, Liz Truss, Suella Braverman and Priti Patel were also off the guest list …
Trump: I’m so over those guys. It was an amazing occasion. People have said it was the best inauguration we have ever had in America. In the world, even. My speech got the longest applause of any speech a president had ever made.
Starmer: The whole world was listening. Especially the Panamanians. They will be thrilled to hear you are going to seize the canal. Can I also add my thanks to you for your efforts in securing a ceasefire in the MiddleEast?
Trump: Thank you, Kevin. I’m going to bring so much peace to the world as you wouldn’t believe. Even if it means killing a lot of people to get this peace. So much peace that people will say I didn’t know there was this much peace out there.
Starmer: That’s fantastic, Mr President. Maybe now would be a good time to discuss Ukraine. It’s vital that the west continues to offer its wholehearted support for President Zelenskyy in his fight against Vladimir Putin.
Trump: I’m going to suggest they call it quits. Russia gets to keep all the territory it’s gained and the rest of Ukraine stays an independent nation.
Starmer: I’m not sure that’s going to work …
Trump: Why not? No one really wants the bits of Ukraine that Russia has annexed …
Starmer: I think the Ukrainians do …
Trump: It’s just a load of wasteland in the middle of nowhere. Who wants muddy fields and forests and some bombed out villages? Ukraine should be happy to give it up. And America isn’t going to bankroll Nato indefinitely. In fact, I might declare war on Nato if you, the French and the Germans don’t start spending more on defence.
Starmer: Please don’t do that, Mr President. We’re all doing the best we can. But maybe we should just pretend we didn’t discuss Ukraine and Nato when we give the press a read-out of this call.
Trump: Suit yourself, Kris. Is there anything else you want to talk about?
Starmer: The Chagos Islands deal. It would be very helpful if you were able to agree to the settlement we have made with Mauritius …
Trump: That’s not going to happen any time soon. I’d rather obliterate Chagos off the face of the Pacific Ocean than hand them over to Mauritius.
Starmer: Chagos is in the Indian Ocean …
Trump: It won’t be by the time I’ve finished with it. And don’t call it the Indian ocean. I’m planning on renaming all the oceans. American Ocean One. American Ocean Two. And so on … It’s going to catch on, I’m telling you.
Starmer: Right. Then let’s also knock the Chagos Islands off the read-out. This conversation never happened. Now, is there anything I can help you with?
Trump: There is. I’m sure you’ve heard that the Greenlanders have been begging me to make their country the 51st state of the USA. But it seems that the Danelanders aren’t happy about this because they think it belongs to them. So if you could talk some sense into them, that would be much appreciated. I mean, what can Daneland do for Greenland? A new Ikea …
Starmer: Ikea is from Swedeland …
Trump: We can give the Greenlanders a McDonald’s, a KFC and a Taco Bell. Obviously, I will nuke Nuuk if necessary, but I’d rather not … Drill, Baby, Drill.
Starmer: My thoughts entirely. The way forward is growth. Now, there is one thing you can do for me, Mr President. Is it possible for you to ask Elon Musk to keep out of British politics? His interventions haven’t been helpful …
Trump: That guy drinks more Diet Coke than me … Elon is a law unto himself. I told him the other day, Elon, I said, you’re going to have to rebrand your automobiles. Tesla is so last year. What he should call it is the Swasti Car. That’s just so catchy. Giorgia Meloni and Viktor Orbán loved the idea. The Germanlanders will go wild for it too.
Starmer: Er … That’s excellent. Before we don’t talk about trade tariffs and anything else remotely difficult, can I just say that the royal family have asked me to pass on their best wishes and to let you know how much they enjoyed seeing you in 2019. With a bit of luck I might be able to swing another state visit for you.
Trump: That would be much appreciated, Karl. Though no more than I deserve. Me and the Queen became the very best of friends when we met. She looked up to me a lot and always rang to ask my opinion.
Starmer: Well, let’s try to pencil in some dates for you to visit, Mr President. Let me look at my diary. Yes … it seems that I am free any time in February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December.
Trump: I’ll get back to you. Gotta go. It’s been nice talking to you, Ken. For a Commy, you’re not all bad …
Starmer: And may I say what an honour it has been for you to take my call. Our countries will always have a Special Relationship and have more …
Trump hangs up
Trump: Jeez. What a total loser!
Starmer: How am I going to survive another four years of this halfwit.
Article by:Source: John Crace
