A minute’s silence for Mel Stride. Our thoughts and prayers go out to him at this difficult time. Mel has always operated near the margins of Westminster. A liminal presence teetering near the vanishing point where earth and sky meet.
His time as work and pensions secretary under Rishi Sunak went almost entirely unnoticed, but for his undying loyalty. Long after Rish! had given up the election as a lost cause, he could be heard as the lone Tory voice of government on the airwaves. Each morning he would ask No 10 for advice on what the Conservative message should be, only to get no reply. It was almost heartbreaking.
Since the Tories have been in opposition, things have gone from bad to worse for the Melster. He may have been given the title of shadow chancellor, but that means next to nothing. The Tories are proud of the fact they have no economic policies as yet and, in any case, are in no position to implement them. All of which makes Stride an irrelevance. A political ornament. There to make up the numbers. No one is interested in what he has to say. Not even his colleagues. They recognise he has little understanding of economics, and appreciate his existential futility.
But every dog has his day. So this sketch is dedicated to Mel. To celebrate his achievements, lest he be forgotten once more. Even the losers get lucky some time. Because on this auspicious Thursday, Stride got the call from the Today programme. Would he like to come on? They would be doing a long interview with Rachel Reeves in the prestigious 8.10am slot to talk about her growth plans and the producer had had the mad idea it might be fun to get some reaction from the Tories. See what they had to say on the subject.
It hadn’t got off to the best of starts. Mel had been ready and waiting by the phone at 8.40am. The time the researcher had told him he would be talking to the nation. He waited and waited. Hearing only the hold muzak. Over on the Today programme the editors had decided it would be much more fun to overrun with an extended package on kamikaze shoplifting. Something the listeners might actually be interested in.
Eventually, the Melster got the nod. “Thank you for coming on,” said Emma Barnett. She couldn’t have sounded more fed up if she had tried. How come Justin Webb had landed the Reeves interview and she had been left with the shadow chancellor? There would be trouble after the show. But for now, there was nothing for it but to go through the motions.
Rachel Reeves had said she was optimistic that flights would take off from the third Heathrow runway in 10 years, Barnett continued. What did Mel think? A trick question as Mel doesn’t really think. He does what he’s told. Stride rifled through the Tory playbook. All three pages of it. Not much help there. All he could do now was ad lib. Er … the Tories were broadly in favour of a third runway as it had been a Conservative plan in the first place. He omitted to say Boris Johnson had flown to Afghanistan for the day to avoid a vote.
“You had 14 years to get this done,” said Emma, barely concealing her irritation.
“We did do Crossrail and Hinkley Point,” Stride replied.
“We’re talking about Heathrow.”
“Oh. So we are. But Reeves should have been talking about plans that were going to happen this year.”
A moment’s silence as everyone absorbed Mel’s latest burst of half-wittedness. He had basically committed the Tories to abandoning any long-term infrastructure plans. Anything that took more than a year was a no-no.
But Stride had more to say. Much more to say. He studied his script. The economy had been in tip-top shape when the Conservatives had left office. No one had ever had it so good.
Emma couldn’t believe her ears. The Tories had left a grim inheritance. Even Rishi Sunak had admitted that. She yawned. Mel was beginning to bore her.
“You lost the election,” she snapped. Just get over it.
He couldn’t. This wasn’t fair. He had so few opportunities to make a mark and he could feel this one slipping away from him. He tried repeating himself. The economy had been booming in July.
“It can’t have been. If it had, you would have been voted back in,” observed Barnett. She could be seen making throat-slitting gestures towards the control desk. Get him off the line.
For the time being, though, she was obliged to prolong the interview. Don’t let him get to you. No one’s paying attention to this interview. Just get to the end and move on. Try to keep things professional.
“What are you offering voters at the May local elections?” she asked. “Will you promise to do away with the increase in employers’ national insurance contributions?”
“We aren’t making any pledges,” Mel said, sadly. It remained Tory policy to have no policies at all. So he didn’t have anything to add.
Emma yawned. Looked at her nails. That was quite enough, thank you. “I’m sorry, we’re short of time.” There was a vitally important item on a BBC drama about Jane Austen’s sister that couldn’t wait. Much more newsworthy than anything the shadow chancellor might have to say. Mel was left to talk to himself. He had been cut off after just six minutes. Some would call that an insult. For Stride, that’s just what passes for his life these days. A return to the land of futility. An interview that would go unremarked and soon forgotten. Except by me.
Meanwhile, Reeves was doing a grand tour of every studio imaginable. There to promote her growth agenda. And to take lectures from Richard Madeley about her CV. Though it turned out that someone on Good Morning Britain has a sense of humour. Moments after he had finished interviewing the chancellor he had to front a discussion on shoplifting. Something of which he has inside knowledge. Madeley was arrested for shoplifting in 1994 but cleared after a jury accepted he had forgotten to pay for champagne. What goes around, comes around.
Article by:Source: John Crace
