My girlfriend had a threesome with two male friends before we met. I can’t see them.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My girlfriend had a threesome with two of her male friends before we met. She mentioned this only because I had group sex fantasies when we first got together and we talked about it.

I appreciate that it was a good experience for her, and that it was one of the steps she took as part of exploring and enjoying her sexuality after a bad relationship ended. I also know that they left the door open for repeats but she opted not to. They’re a couple, and they’ve both been nothing but friendly and respectful to me, and she says her friendship is unchanged. But I feel weird and jealous every time I see them. I’m 32, not 19 so I feel like I should be beyond this. Any tips on how to stop?

—Want to Be Chill

Dear Want to Be Chill,

Feelings aren’t logical or particularly controllable. What demonstrates maturity is the actions you choose to take. It’ll be useful to consider what exactly feels “weird” and the reasons behind your jealousy. When you have a calm bit of time to yourself, think about those moments and ask yourself questions. Is there something I’m missing? Something I’m judging about what my girlfriend did? Something I’m judging about my own desires? Go further with your questions, but hopefully, that’ll get you started. Understanding our feelings has a way of making them easier to manage or even dissipate. If part of what you’re feeling is insecurity you can bring that to your girlfriend, who will hopefully offer reassurance.

The other tactic I would take is to work on mindfulness. Turning our minds toward something we want to focus on (the present moment, the relationship you have) tends to work a lot better than trying to ignore something. Part of what you’re likely experiencing is the “don’t think about pink elephants” problem—the more you try to suppress the thoughts, the bigger they’ll become.

If you’ve given both of my recommendations a solid try and are still stuck, a conversation with a really wise friend or a therapist would be a good next step.

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a woman in my early 60s who just got divorced. I haven’t been with somebody new for more than 20 years, and I’m struggling with my body image, especially since I’ve lost a lot of weight and have a lot of loose skin. Not to mention veins, scars, sagging bits, and more. How on earth do I have sex with someone new? I really want to get out there, I’m desperate for sex and intimacy (it’s been years), but I’ve always hated my body and don’t know how to get past that.

—Why Would Somebody Want Me?

Dear Why,

Men in your age group will also have loose skin, veins, scars, sagging bits, and more. Some will be in the same position you’re in—dating for the first time in decades—and others may also be struggling with their own body image. So you’re not as alone in this as you may feel.

That said, people can sometimes be cruel, and it’s a lot easier to walk off a nasty comment when we’re confident in ourselves. I want you to make two lists. First write down everything you can appreciate about your body—what it does for you, the pleasure it can give you, the way it carries around your mind, whatever you can think of. If there’s anything superficial on the list, like maybe your eyes, that’s great, but it’s fine if there isn’t anything aesthetic to list. For your second list, take note of everything about who you are that you bring to the table. Are you smart? Kind? Wise? Funny? List it all. Then, once a day, read both of those lists out loud. Say, for instance, “I have great eyes. I am kind. I am funny.” If new things to love about yourself come up, put them on the list. When you’re ready, start doing this in the mirror. Get to the point where, when you look at your body, you see past the things you dislike and can focus on the parts of yourself you appreciate.

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Dear How to Do It,

I (female) find penetrative sex painful at times. It’s a dull but fairly intense pain when my male partner thrusts forward—I think he’s hitting my cervix. I’m a short woman and he has an 8-inch penis. The only really comfortable position for me is to be on top and scooch/lean forward, but then I can’t move very well, because of how splayed my legs are. What positions lead to shallower penetration, or is there a way for him to sort of aim in front of my cervix instead?

—Anatomy Lesson Needed

Dear Anatomy Lesson,

This one is a pretty simple fix. First up is the OhNut, which acts like a cockstopper and keeps the last 1 to 4 centimeters of his penis from actually entering your vagina. I’ve road-tested it myself with more than one partner. The other thing you can do is get his penis situated in the anterior fornix (the spot in front of your cervix) and then do more of a forward and backward grind than an up-and-down thrust. Thirdly, in missionary or spoon, he can try aiming to slide along the front wall of your vagina. Hopefully one or more of these tips does the trick for you.

—Jessica

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