66 days to be a calmer parent: ‘I’m sure this will be very easy’ | Parents and parenting

Becoming a calmer parent has long been at the top of my list of life goals – but then so has becoming physically stronger, and I’ve never lifted a dumbbell.

I have two small children, one is five and the other 18 months. One is demanding physically and the other emotionally. Mornings often start around 5.30am, the increasing volume of the cry of “mummmmmmy” marking the starting gun for the daily race to get out of the house fully clothed and at least partially fed. At times it seems almost too easy, but on other days every step towards our front door is met with a roadblock and I get increasingly frustrated until I break and shout, rushing the little people out the door and arriving at work flustered.

Often when my daughter was angry or moody I’d worry it was a sign of a bigger behaviour trend I had to stop and fix straight away.

I want to communicate with my children in a way that keeps our household calm or at least calm-ish. I want to be able to ride out the roadblocks.

Is the goal of maintaining a calm mind in moments that trigger my own Big Feelings unrealistic? I guess it’s worth a shot.

Week one

Before starting, I sought direction from psychologist Dr Lea Waters.

“Where do I start?” I asked.

“The first thing to think about is … what do you want to achieve?” she says. “We are conditioned to believe that creating change is about removing a negative. But new psychology says that we are more effective when we do what’s called an approach goal. So in layman’s terms it’s not about saying, ‘I am going to stop this behaviour’, it’s about saying ‘I’m going to start to do this new thing instead.’”

This seems so obvious. It makes perfect sense. So when my kids won’t get dressed after being asked 48 times, instead of getting more frustrated and more elevated I will choose to take a moment, slow down and figure out another way of communicating. I’m sure this will be very easy.

Week two

With the chat from Waters fresh in my mind, one Wednesday afternoon – during a lovely period called “witching hour” – my eldest was repeatedly kicking the back of my car seat as I drove. I can’t lie, I’m sure there have been many times where I have threatened to stop the car and sit there until she stopped, even if we had to wait until it was dark.

But this day, as my blood pressure rose, I breathed five seconds in, held for five seconds, then breathed out for five seconds. The shift in my emotions was swift. The breathing gave me time to process what I was about to say and decide how I was going to react. This time I calmly said: “Darling, I’m sorry that the song I picked was from the first Moana soundtrack not the second but kicking the car seat is dangerous and we can’t drive home until you stop.” Did she stop? No. But after a few quiet moments where I didn’t add fuel to the fire, she put her legs down and we continued to drive home.

Week three

Another key aspect of calmer parenting, Waters explained, involves choosing your moments. This means having those big conversations about behaviour when your child actually has the capacity to hear it. So when my eldest daughter has a meltdown over the incorrect bowl colour at 6.30am, I chose to park it and defer the discussion about the benefits of talking to her parents politely to another time. We move from a light blue bowl to the preferred pink and her Weet-Bix is quickly consumed while I get on with getting ready for work. This is an easy win.

It seems I don’t have to fix everything at all times, and having those conversations when I’m stressed just doesn’t work anyway.

Week four

Christmas was speeding towards me like a freight train. Tensions were high in our home, with an unwell toddler and the last ever day of daycare looming for our eldest. Moments of overwhelm and frustration meant I did not take up any Zen opportunities. My lack of patience meant I was quick to shout when things felt out of my control and I was hurrying the girls up more than ever. To say I gave up on “calm parenting” would be an understatement.

Week five

This was the week of New Year’s Eve. For some it’s a time to reflect on the past 12 months; for parents of small children it’s a time to wonder where those months went exactly. The pace of the year always shocks me and before I know it I’m more than halfway through the 66-day challenge.

With the chaos of Christmas over and a more relaxed vibe descending over our place, I resolved to be more present for my kids. From role play to reading books, I aimed to give them time each day to let them dictate what we did for short periods. This is something Dr Becky Kennedy talks about on her popular parenting podcast Good Inside: it comes down to connection. If your child feels seen and heard, they are less likely to feel like they need to chase attention, she suggests.

This worked on some days and not others, but I always recognised it after the fact. I would tell myself “Gosh, she’s being so relaxed this afternoon”, often reflecting later that the time we spent earlier that day allowed her to feel loved and seen.

Weeks six and seven

Waters explained to me there is always a cue before a behaviour. For example, if the behaviour is not listening to your requests, the cue might be feeling rushed in the mornings.

Recognising those moments that cause conflict or heightened emotions allows you to change the cue and therefore prevent the reaction.

Getting ready in the mornings seems to be a universal struggle. They’d want to wear all five skirts on top of each other, their shoes never fit right, the hairdo is terrible and tears and conflict were common. So over these weeks I focused on working with my kids to select clothes the night before. I was surprised: this tiny change had an effect right away, because the clothing decision was made during a quiet time. This small achievement allowed me to arrive at work without feeling as though I had completed a complex hostage negotiation before 8.30am.

Week eight

Eight weeks in and I’m just like the Little Engine That Could: “I think I can.” One of my greatest flaws is the inability to stick with habits. This week I focus on keeping it simple, on just breathing in trying moments and what I have already taught myself. I want to embed some of these simple steps for the long term.

Often when I am rushed I am quick to dismiss my children’s requests and complaints as whinging. A big part of this journey is letting my daughters be heard. I start to notice that when I get down on their level, look at them and take the conversation seriously, their reaction is softer and I understand what they are actually needing at that moment.

Week nine

One thing Waters emphasised when we talked at the beginning of this is the need for self-reflection, to ask yourself as a parent: “What makes me respond like this?” Addressing your own reactions is as important as addressing the behaviour of the child, she explained. Are you creating a cycle where your attitude causes your children to have certain reactions? What was causing me to go into a spiral when my daughter had a tantrum over socks?

I stop, take a breath and decide to blame my mother.

The end

What I really wanted when I started on this challenge was to let go of the feeling that if something is wrong it has to be fixed – and that I was the person who has to fix it. I now have a few more tools to be able to get through and respond to difficult moments – as opposed to casting each challenge as “this is part of a bigger problem”.

These nine weeks haven’t fundamentally changed my experience of parenting; I’m still riding the emotional rollercoaster. But on the whole, it was incredibly worthwhile. Over time, these smaller changes will come together, I think, and a larger change will emerge.