Tariffs through the looking-glass? MPs scratch heads over Trump’s latest move | John Crace

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. Hide under the duvet and hope the world forgets you exist.

Up until now, the UK government’s strategy for dealing with President Trump has worked out pretty much OK. Wherever possible, do nothing to create waves. To be ignored is very heaven.

Even when pushed, still do nothing. Except fall over yourself to say how brilliant The Donald has been. No flattery can ever be too much. The president’s plan to turn Gaza into a leisure resort was brilliant. Keir Starmer couldn’t believe no one had thought of that before. Or rather he could believe it because only Trump could aspire to that level of genius.

Only it turns out that crawling doesn’t get you everywhere. Because in the past 24 hours, the US has said it will impose 25% tariffs on steel imports. With no exemptions for the UK. So what happens now? Take it on the chin? Thank you so much, Mr President. It was so kind of you not to set the tariffs any higher. Or fight fire with fire? Impose reciprocal sanctions.

There were just 25 MPs in the Commons – including the frontbench teams of the three main parties – to try to discover the answers at the urgent question tabled by the shadow trade minister, Harriett Baldwin. Maybe a trade war just doesn’t interest politicians any more. Or maybe, like the government, everyone was doing their best to pretend that nothing much had really happened. Noises off. Much ado about nothing.

The junior trade minister, Douglas Alexander, certainly gave the impression that, given the choice, he would also rather have been doing something else. This was definitely not the kind of day he had returned to frontline politics for after a gap of nearly a decade.

“Cool heads” were the order of the day, he insisted. Now was not the time for a kneejerk reaction. The tariffs weren’t due to come into force until 12 March so there was no need to panic. In fact, he couldn’t really believe the Tories had bothered to raise the issue. So very tiresome of them.

Maybe everything would just go back to normal if we went back to ignoring the situation. Maybe The Donald had a master plan. You never could tell. So really the best course of action for the government was to maintain its silence. The markets hadn’t been spooked by the threat of tariffs and neither should we. It was hard to tell if there was an act of geopolitical creativity or one of craven nihilism.

“We want a stable trade policy with the US,” Dougie continued. I suppose we are all allowed to dream.

He concluded his opening remarks by saying he hoped to work constructively with Trump. To somehow find a way of letting The Donald know he had been absolutely right to impose trade tariffs on the UK – it was exactly in the interests of both countries and the government couldn’t have been more thrilled not to have been made exempt.

However, there was a small risk, the tiniest risk, of causing inflation in the US and losing jobs in industries that relied on steel. Much as had happened in 2018. Not that that had been a bad thing. It had been a very good thing. Just what the US economy had needed. But still something to think about. If the president did want to think. We were easy either way.

By the time Dougie had sat down for the first time, no one was any the wiser what the government planned to do about tariffs. Which meant Alexander had done his job perfectly. He wasn’t just keeping everyone guessing. He was keeping himself guessing. He genuinely doesn’t have a clue what to do.

But then – as became abundantly clear when listening to the pitiful unhappy few who had made the effort to turn up to the UQ – no one else did either. Least of all Harriett. She has built her parliamentary career on not knowing much about anything.

Her analysis, if you can call it that, was that the tariffs were a direct result of Starmer not having flown to the US for a one-to-one meeting with The Donald. It didn’t seem to have occurred to her that you generally need an invitation to the White House. Turning up and banging on the door doesn’t tend to cut it.

No matter. Baldwin was adamant that Trump wouldn’t have imposed tariffs if we had been even nicer to him than we already had been. Even though he had done it to the UK when the Tories had been in power. Harriett is dim enough to think this is a good thing. Somehow makes Trump look stronger and more powerful. Why don’t we all have more trade wars?

“We must strain every sinew for the big, beautiful free trade deal,” she rhapsodised. Now she was out the other side of the looking-glass. What free trade deal was that? The one the Tories had tried and failed to get after the Brexit referendum. This was just fantasy. In what world did anyone imagine The Donald would respond to calm and logic. That’s to misread his psyche. The whole point of him is that he’s narcissistic and whimsical. There is a mind-body split. The words pour out of his mouth with no connection to the brain.

Dougie sat and stared. It had finally dawned on him that he was looking at an idiot. Let him try to correct a few points. There was no trade deal. And there was no one for the government to talk to about tariffs in the US as the Senate had not yet confirmed Trump’s trade representatives. Plus, it was a bit much for the Tories to make such a fuss as they had presided over the decline of the steel industry.

That left the few remaining MPs to add their thoughts. Liam Byrne asked for a moment’s silence and for us all to remember Peter Mandelson in our prayers. He would be needing all the help we could offer. Stella Creasy suggested we might like to strengthen our ties with the EU. Alexander looked horrified. Careless talk costs lives. Julian Lewis wondered if we ditched the Chagos deal then we might persuade the US to ditch the tariffs. It’s a thought.

The Donald traded in uncertainty, said Dougie. And he, for one, loved him for it. Trump was perfect just the way he was. Everything was for the best in the best of all possible worlds. There were still four weeks. Lie back. Relax. It may never happen.