There’s not much for anyone to like in the Star Trek: Section 31 movie

It is, in a word, awful. Which is really a shame!

Putting the “TV” in “TV movie”

The movie explains its premise clearly enough, albeit in a clumsy exposition-heavy voiceover section near the beginning: Philippa Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh) was once the ruler of the bloodthirsty Terran Empire, an evil mirror of Star Trek’s utopian United Federation of Planets. She crossed over into “our” universe and gradually reformed, sort of, before vanishing. Now Section 31—Starfleet’s version of the CIA, more or less—needs to track her down and enlist her to help them save the galaxy from another threat that has crossed over from the evil universe to ours.

Emperor Georgiou originated on Star Trek: Discovery, and she was a consistently fun presence on a very uneven show. Yeoh clearly had a blast playing a sadistic, horny version of the kind and upstanding Captain Georgiou who died in Discovery‘s premiere.

But that fun is mostly absent here. To the extent that anything about Section 31 works, it’s as a sort of brain-off generic sci-fi action movie, Star Trek’s stab at a Suicide Squad-esque antihero story. Things happen in space, sometimes in a spaceship. There is some fighting, though nearly all of it involves punching instead of phasers or photon torpedoes. There is an Important Item that needs to be chased down, for the Fate of the Universe is at stake.

But the movie also feels more like a failed spin-off pilot that never made it to series, and it suffers for it; it’s chopped up into four episodes “chapters” and has to establish an entire crew’s worth of quirky misfits inside a 10-minute montage.

That might work if the script or the performers could make any of the characters endearing, but it isn’t, and they don’t. Performances are almost uniformly bad, ranging from inert to unbearable to “not trying particularly hard” (respectively: Omari Hardwick’s Alok, a humorless genetically augmented human; Sven Ruygrok’s horrifically grating Fuzz, a tiny and inexplicably Irish alien piloting a Vulkan-shaped robot; and Sam Richardson’s Quasi, whose amiable patter is right at home on Detroiters and I Think You Should Leave but is mostly distracting here). Every time one of these characters ends up dead, you feel a sense of relief because there’s one fewer one-note character to have to pay attention to.